Squirrels are furry, bright, lively little animals that are very busy.
Squirrels begin being busy in early morning. They leave their nests and burrows to start searching for food. Quietly they hunt for their favorite nuts and acorns, seeds, plants, blossoms, grasses, and insects.
Squirrels live on all continents of the world, except Australia and Antarctica.(They's got into nearly every corner of the globe, but is wily enough not wrangle in spots where penguins, emus, duck-billed playpuses, koalas, and kangaroos is considered cute natives.)
America has millions of squirrels, in almost every region of every state.(Be pert near feared.)
They are found from high mountains to seashores, in forests, fields, deserts, and meadows, by roads, rivers, canals, and streams.(Be very pert near feared.)
Wherever you live, squirrels are probably nearby.(Don't trust no one.)

Squirrels that Live in the Trees

The most common squirrels are those that live in trees.(I heard tell Darwin sez the next step will be for them to come down out of the trees, then discover fire. We knows what trouble this here's led to in the past: First you leaves the trees, then you discovers fire, then you discovers congressmen, and the next thing "Baywatch" is the most popular show in the world. And you know that's not right. Should be "Hee Haw.")
And the most common tree squirrels are gray squirrels.
The largest tree squirrels are named fox squirrels. They are two feet long, weighing two to three pounds.
The tiniest tree squirrels are the red squirrels, nicknamed chickarees. (Can any good thing come from something called a chickaree?) Chickarees are a foot long and weigh half a pound. They are also the noisiest tree squirrels and scold, squawk, and sputter at other squirrels and at humans.
One tree squirrel is called a flying squirrel. Flying squirrels glide from tree to tree, instead of jumping like other squirrels. They are the only nocturnal squirrels. That means they stay awake at night and sleep in the daytime. (Sleepin' whiles honest, hard-working folk is toiling for their daily bread; awake whiles God-fearing folk is sleepin' one off. You know that's not right.)
Tree squirrels spend most of their lives in trees. (Darwin: trees...fire...congress...Baywatch -- it's only a matter of time.) They race along branches, leap from tree to tree and go up and down, down and up, the tree trunks. Tree squirrels build nests in tree trunk holes or high up in the branches. Here they sleep, stay out of bad weather, and raise their young. Tree squirrels are active all winter and do not hibernate -- take a deep sleep.

Squirrels that Live in the Ground

Many squirrels live in burrows under the ground instead of in the trees. (In pert near every movie I's seen, them that lives underground are either wicked smart and cutthroat or wicked stupid and cutthroat; hadn't had a bath in a coon's age and everyone knows you need one ever' birthday; is sweaty and tanned though they's ain't seen no light of day for a hound's age; wear metal, leather, and rags 'round their heads but no sign of a trusty red bandana; have woman who is either purty or ugly [lotsa rags on the ugly and toothless -- teeny rags on the purty and toothsome]...something fishy goin' on there. Don't trust an undergrounder any more than I'd trust a gopher.)
They look a lot like tree squirrels, except their tails are often smaller and less furry. Some variety of ground-dwelling squirrel is found almost everywhere. Many have "ground squirrel" as part of their names, such as the California, Washington, Idaho, Belding, and Golden-mantled ground squirrels.(Lookee here! California...Washington...Idaho? You knows where that leads...federally-funded, Baptist-banned screenings of Ellen at Disneyland!)
Other squirrels that live in the ground are named chipmunks, prairie dogs, woodchucks, and marmots.(Never trust a varmit with lotsa aliases; fake names, yes, but no aliases.)
Chipmunks are among the smallest of the ground-type squirrels, some weighing only an ounce or two. They always have stripes on their faces and their sides.(That there preacher man what puts his hand to the tother side of my TV screen says that's the mark of the Beast.)
Prairie dogs aren't dogs at all. They don't look like dogs, they' don't act like dogs, because they really are squirrels. They live in large groups called prairie dog towns and dig big burrows in the ground.(Underground commies!)
Members of the marmot family are the biggest ground-dwelling squirrels. Some are catsize -- up to two feet and ten pounds. This group consists of the woodchucks (also called groundhogs) and the marmots.
In the warm months, squirrels that live underground spend time digging and enlarging their burrows. Some burrows are very long with many openings. In the cold months, these squirrels stay in their burrows and take a long deep sleep (hibernate). Once in awhile they awaken to eat stored nuts and seeds.

All Squirrels Have Much in Common(We all knows the only thing that gets Hatfields and McCoys all shootin' in the same direction is a common enemy; now, just who is the squirrels' common enemy? Hmm? They's united! Beware!)

Squirrels are rodents like mice, rats, and hamsters.(And don't you forget it!)
All rodents have four incisor teeth that keep growing and must be ground off by gnawing on hard objects like nuts.
Squirrels store food.
Ground squirrels and chipmunks carry it in pouches inside their cheeks, back to their burrows for storage.
Tree squirrels bury nuts and seeds in the ground, for later eating. Their keen sense of smell helps them find the buried food.
Squirrels can be very noisy. They chatter, chirp, bark, growl, squeak, and squeal.
Squirrels can be very quiet(sneaky), especially when enemies are near: owls, hawks, bobcats, badgers, coyotes, raccoons, weasels, skunks, foxes, dogs, cats, and humans.(Aha! They's admit it! They's declared we is the enemy, the target! What more proof does you need?)
Most squirrels mate in early spring, after much fighting and chasing.(Didn't you never wonder why domestic violence, stalking, and divorce rates are sky-rocketing? The squirrels is poisoning us! Undermining our morals and family values! And I asks you, ain't potatoe spelt with an 'e'?) Four to six weeks later, the half-ounce, four-inch-long babies are born in burrows or in tree nests.
There are three to five baby tree-type squirrels or three to ten baby ground-type squirrels.
Blind, hairless ' and helpless, they depend on the mother's milk for food. In about six weeks they emerge from the nest, fully furred, bright-eyed, and half the size of the adults.
Baby squirrels are playful and pester the adults.(Breakin' in younuns toward lack of respect for elder folks! And I asks you, ain't potatoe spelt with an 'e'?)
Squirrels have four sharp claws on their front feet and five on the rear. They are used for climbing, digging, and eating.(...and climbin' the ladder of commy, pinko power; digging graves for hard-workin' folk; and eatin' us out of orchard and farm.)
Every year squirrels shed their fur, called molting. They get a heavier coat for winter and a lighter one for summer.(Why, if I was that wasteful with my fur, my beard would only reach my gut. How's they expect to go a courtin' their cousins?)
The scientific family name for squirrels is Sciuridae, meaning "shade tail."(Sciuridae spelt back wards is 'eadiruics'...and...and...where was I?...Ain't potatoe spelt with an 'e'?...Ahem, well...'eadiruics' -- I haven't eyed such sinful material since I seen them thar "Louie Louie" lyrics!)
Some squirrel tails are large and serve as sunshades on sunny days -- and umbrellas on rainy ones.
Squirrel tails can be warm blankets, and help the animals balance when running and jumping.
Squirrels often sun themselves on a tree branch, on a rock, or by a burrow.(Why does revenuers hornswaggle our money for the Surging General's pay when these commie, pinko squirrels is out nudie-bathing nekkid, ingorin' warnings about ultra-violent rays? Now where'd I put my chewin' tabaccy?)
Not everyone likes the busy squirrels. They sometimes eat the farmers' crops (Unscramble the letters from "eat the farmers' crops" and what do you gets?: "Smarter, arch-foe pest" or "Oh! perfect smartarse." I don't know what this means, and I wouldn't know an 'arse' if it bit me on my butt, but I reckon' there's somethin' goin' on here. It's part of Their Evil Master Plan.), strip bark from trees (Unscramble the letters from "strip bark from trees" and what do you get?: "Berserk armpit forts" and "Berserk fart imports"...now this is more up my alley! There's somethin' goin' on here! It's Their Evil Military Scheme and Plans to Finance It.), steal seed out of bird feeders, and gnaw on electric wires.($#!+ straight!!)
But many of the nuts squirrels bury grow into new trees, which helps to replant our forests.(Tree-hugging, left-wing liberals if you asks me.)
Squirrels have active days. But by dusk, as day turns to night, only the flying squirrels are up and about.
The other tree squirrels are curled up in their tree nests, and the ground squirrels are curled up in their burrows.
Good night, busy squirrels, good night.

* (If it ain't already obvious to you what's going on heres, I don't need no more proof than this to lets you knows them Benny Dick Arnold squirrels is up to no good -- unscrambling the letters from "Squirrel Squat Squads" spells: "Suq qua Iraq less turds"; "Quid Q equals USSR star"; "Suq squeals Iraq turds"; "Suq lusts squared Iraq"; "Dress suq qua Iraq slut"; "Rats! Quid Q equals USSR"; "Quid qua Q rusts lasers"; "Quid Q stars equal USSR"; "Quid Q equals USSR arts"; "Dress suq qua Iraq lust"; "Artless quid qua Q USSR"; "Square Q lads quit USSR"; and "Square last quid Q USSR". And you know what that means! Squirrel spies aided and abetted by Suzy Q and Chester to destroy Truth, Justice, The American Way, and Humphrey.)

Thanks fer noticin' me, but no matter...leave. "I'm telling you. People come and go in this Forest, and they say, 'It's only Eeyore, so it doesn't count.'" -- Eeyore, from The House at Pooh Corner