Motherhood and Housewifery

* It hurts a long time * I can't love you; I love Daddy * Mommy! * I want that Gramma * I want Tubby Custard * Can you check my ears? * Can I put medicine on you? * I have birds in my ears * I can't eat this * Bubba kissed me * Where have the Tele-Tubbies gone? * My hair hurts * I wanna go on a 'venture * Honey, what did you do with my... * I can't find my blanket anytime * She hit me! * Did not! * Did too! * She said "Exxon!" * Dance me * Can I sit your lap? * I don't want to! * Come see Poo Poo! * Can I have ice cream? * Can I watch Arthur and DW? * I want 'cats * She hurt me * Can I take shower? * I don't want hot! I want hot cold! * I think I have an idea * It's a Mary Poppins day * Can you rock me? * I want Cheerios * Uh Oh! * Well it's not like you have a job... * Sorry * I'm not here anymore * I need a band-aid *
Motherhood and Housewifery

"A perfect parent is a person with excellent child rearing theories, and no actual children." - Dave Barry

"Don't be afraid that your children don't listen to what you say; be afraid that they'll watch what you do." - paraphrased (no doubt mis-)quote attributed (no doubt incorrectly) to Abraham Lincoln

"You can eat off my floor -- if you like dirt." - Joan Rivers, Live with Regis and Kathie Lee , 7-1-99

"Don't get mad -- take a picture; in a year it will be funny." - ?, via Jo Ann Pollick

"Respect children. But also ask for respect from your children. Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do." - Benjamin Spock

"If the kids are still alive when my husband comes home, I've done my job." - Roseanne

"At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, [not] winning one more verdict, or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a child, a friend, or a parent." - Barbara Bush, Wellesley College Commencement

"Though we adore men individually, we agree that as a group they're rather stupid." - Mrs. Banks in Mary Poppins

"It's been my experience that when problems arise between husband and wife, one should never point the finger of blame...
because it's always the husband's fault."
- Karen Walker, in episode: "Ben? Her?" of Will & Grace (episode # 2.23) 5/23/2000

"It's damages, Sweetie, for those long, crippling hours of painful labor I went through on your behalf."
'You had a Caesarean.'
"I had a Caesarean, Darling, but how do you think it feels for somebody to wake up every morning and look down to see her stomach smiling back up at her?" - Edina and Saffron , Absolutely Fabulous

"You've been a fantastic mother. You've let them ruin your figure. Your stomach is stretched beyond recognition, you've got t--- down to your knees and what for?" - Patsy, Absolutely Fabulous

"Do you know what would have happened if it had been three wise women instead of three wise men?
They would have
1) asked for directions,
2) arrived on time,
3) helped deliver the baby,
4) cleaned the stable,
5) made a casserole
6) and brought disposable diapers as gifts."
- anonymous, via forwarded e-mail from Evan T

Mothers: A North American Field Guide
by Mary Akers Guyton
"A hatchling mother (birth to six months)...is likely to have mastered the ability to pick up objects with her feet, without interrupting the ritual baby dance, perfected in the first six months of motherhood. She will, undoubtedly, exhibit the universal signs of new motherhood: dark half moons under the eyes, and a spit-up stain down the back of her left shoulder."

Parental Preparation Testing
author anonymous but obviously a parent
"Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children."

Mom's Best Brownie Recipe
- anonymous, via forwarded e-mail from Evan T
"Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Billy "no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Billy and clean cupboards."

Class Reunion
By Lynne C. Gaul
"I realized that the funny, crunching noise I heard each night as I climbed the stairs was really my knees. I had seriously considered adding potty training to my resume as one of my greatest accomplishments."

Five life-saving questions every woman must ask her mother
By Dr. Erika Schwartz, on The-View *
Dr. Schwartz says there are five life-saving questions every woman must ask her mother in order to live a healthy, normal life. It is key to find out her health history in order to take charge of your own life. If your mother is no longer alive, ask her sister, brother, or cousins about her health.

Seven Deadly Phrases
By Some-Author-seen-on- The-View *
Skewed for women (mostly single women) although #1 is good for anyone of either sex. Women in the home or workplace, pay special attention to #s 1, 2 and 6!

* To which I submitted the following thoughts on April 27, 1999, one week after the Littleton massacre:
Why can't the government be as stringent about gun safety as vehicular safety? What would the legislative ramifications be to impose motor vehicle rules on firearms?:
No way until you're 16 (18);
You have to take a class in high school;
You have to pass a test;
You have to have a license and if you're caught without it, you're busted;
You have to have insurance;
To sell it you've got to deal with Tax, Title and License;
etc.
If the law says one can't drink until age 21, and the government has an Alcohol/Tobacco/Firearms Department, I think one shouldn't be allowed to touch a gun until one is old enough to drink (A FRIGHTENING and unfortunate COINCIDENCE!). But one would run into "If I can be drafted and given a military assault rifle when I'm 18 then why can't I until I'm 21 as a civillian?" (BECAUSE you're a CIVILLIAN! We won't let you drive a tank either!)

This woman digs up dirt from your messes
By Alex Witchel, The New York Times
"Being messy is human," [Louise Rafkin] said. "The more people there are in your life, the bigger the mess." Which also goes for pets, she said, including her own dog, Lucy. "If I didn't have her, I wouldn't have to vacuum every day, but then I wouldn't have Lucy. People I know with the cleanest houses, it's a sad, sad thing. But that's their choice. No mess, no love, no people."

The Doubtful Guest
By Edward Gorey
I found the resemblance between a "Doubtful Host" to that of a toddler's parent to be uncanny. "It would carry off objects of which it grew fond, And protect them by dropping them into the pond." I found the resemblance between a "Doubtful Host" to that of a teenager's parent to be equally uncanny. "It was seemingly deaf to whatever they said, So at last they stopped screaming, and went off to bed."

So You Hate Barney, Do You?
By the Domestic Web Goddess
"I have a dirty confession to make...I CAN'T STAND BJ!...There I said it! I CAN'T STAND BJ!!! It's our dirty secret. Puhleeze don't tell my kids. They haven't a clue. Besides, if you're griping these days about Barney, you're out of the loop big time. I have six words for you: Teletubbies: Tinky-Winky, Dipsy, Laa-laa, and Po. Be afraid. Be legitimately afraid."

Mothers: A User's Manual
"Carburetor: When a mother's carburetor floods, it should be treated immediately with Kleenex and a soft shoulder."

One day, a girl looked at her mother's hair. "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The girl thought about this revelation a while. "Mom, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

You change their diapers; They change you
"My friend's relationship with her husband will change, I know; but not in the ways she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to always powder the baby or who never hesitates to play "bad guys" with his son. I think she should know that she will fall in love with her husband again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.."

LHJ's 100 Most Important Women of the 20th Century
Inspiring, however, I take exception to some of the inclusions based on the exclusion of Lillian Hellman playwright of These Three (1936) (also play The Children's Hour), Watch on the Rhine (1943), The Little Foxes; and, for better or worse, a figure in McCarthyism :
J. Edgar Hoover himself took a personal interest in Miss Hellman's activities. In a letter written to the FBI special agent in New York in 1943 - in the middle of World War II, when Nazi agents and the German American Bund were operating in the United States Hoover called for a comprehensive report on her. [On] October 20, 1943, Hoover wrote: "You are reminded that this subject has a national reputation through her writings in which she has opposed nazism and fascism. Under no circumstances should it be known that this bureau is conducting an investigation of her...Called before the House UnAmerican Activities [Comittee]...she declined to say if she had been a member of the Communist party...Being considered "a friend of the FBI" was regarded as a significant measure of devotion to God, country - and J. Edgar Hoover. In this respect, Miss Hellman was "disloyal"; she was clearly no friend of the FBI or the congressional investigating committees. She had her literary and political enemies and was engaged in all the public wars...she was consistent in her boldness, speaking up and dramatizing her beliefs in the theater and in print. She would not, in her memorable phrase to the House Committee on UnAmerican Activities in 1952, "cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions." -- Herbert Mitgang Dangerous dossiers : exposing the secret war against America's greatest authors
Stacked against all that and more, LHJ considers Amelia Earhart, Laura Ingalls Wilder, and Greta Garbo more important than Hellman? I mean one might argue over Ann Landers, Sonja Henie, or Nadia Comaneci, but how can you argue Garbo over Hellman. Puhleeeze.

Remove yourself from telemarketing bases
For when you can't take one more telemarketer trying to sell you something you didn't know you wanted...and still don't.
Begin every telemarketing call with a smile and a "Please take me off your calling list." It's federal law that they must strike your name from their list for 10 years.

Crayola Crayon's Website
For when you discover the green crayon in your child's pocket AFTER it's gone through the washer and dryer with some of your favorite clothing. *sigh*

* It hurts a long time * I can't love you; I love Daddy * Mommy! * I want that Gramma * I want Tubby Custard * Can you check my ears? * Can I put medicine on you? * I love the doctor * See my face? It's mad. See my eyes? They're mad * I have birds in my ears * I can't eat this * Bubba kissed me * Where have the Tele-Tubbies gone? * My hair hurts * I love you, you love me, we're a happy family * I wanna go on a 'venture * Honey, what did you do with my... * I can't find my blanket anytime * She hit me! * Did not! * Did too! * She said "Exxon!" * Dance me * Can I sit your lap? * I don't want to! * Come see Poo Poo! * Can I have ice cream? * Can I watch Arthur and DW? * I want 'cats * She hurt me * Can I take shower? * I don't want hot! I want hot cold! * I think I have an idea * It's a Mary Poppins day * Can you rock me? * I want Cheerios * Uh Oh! * Well it's not like you have a job... * Sorry * I'm not here anymore * I need a band-aid * Drive the speed lemon, Mommy * I give you all my brave * I have sad on my eyes *

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