Wesleyan Writings
Originating on SAC's BTI 8000, Trixie
Wes Stoops
Greetings!!!
You have been selected to be a
member of the NEW EXCLUSIVE Mordor communications system!!! If you wish to have
your membership revoked, please send your name and alias to SAURON. I will
then pronounce you to be a hoser and kick you out of my system forever!
How many times must I suffer the horror
they would kill me for a cigarette,
The Lord is my external-internal integrative mechanism,
The Hacker
Once upon a midnight weary,
While I nodded, nearly sleeping,
“What?", said I, "A file is missing?
To the Big Man' s desk I crept,
To my place I sadly slunk,
Announcement from the US Treasury Dept:
Due to inflation, E is now equal to MC^3, not MC^2, as it was formerly. Thank
you.
186,282 Miles per Second. It's not just a good idea, it's the Law.
From: The US Treasury Dept.
It has come to our attention lately that you have not paid your tax for having
the privilege of existence. In case you do not feel it is your obligation to
pay for your life, let us explain the logic behind this tax.
The universe consists of nothing. It is matter and anti-matter, both existing
in equal amounts. Since matter and anti-matter, when put together, cancel each
other out, the universe effectively consists of nothing.
The same can be said of life. All life is balanced by death. Neither can
exist without the other. Both cancel each other out.
The same can be said of our Economic System. Debits and Credits cancel each
other out, and each need the other to survive.
It follows that, since each of these three systems are equivalent, they are
one. Since the US government reserves the right to tax our Economic System, it
therefore, by extension, has the right to tax Life, the Universe, and
Everything. God has already received His bill, and his payment is forthcoming.
Don't you feel that, as an American Citizen, you should, too?
Forecast from the National Oceanic and Aeronautical Association:
Dark tonight, with intermittent periods of light and darkness through the next
few days.
And now, hot off the presses at Barad-dur Publishing Houses, our newest series
of Summer Books. These sure-fire hit books will be on the shelves in July:
Clan of the Carebears
New movies put out this summer:
These pictures and many more will be coming to a movie theater near you this
summer. These pictures are a product of Wonder Pictures. If it's a good
picture, it's a Wonder.
I have stumbled upon a plot of massive importance. There is some power
working against us. What else can explain the strange disappearances of
Zaphod, Galadriel, Arthur Dent, Mack the Knife, Chani Siona, and the rest.
Many of these persons are themselves powerful beings, whom, it would seem,
could not be forced to do an against their will. However, the fact remains
that they are gone. What could be the explanation? Every (unit of time is undecipherable), a strange power comes into this world,
and changes the Will of men. Those who would study, play. Those who work, fall
into the uttermost slothdom. And (here is the key part), those who would stay
with their loved ones and allies, depart for strange and distant lands. Their
reasoning for this behavior is strange beyond belief. “I felt like it.” will
invariably be their response when asked about their behavior. They are not in
control of themselves, however, for they are in the grip of a power that no one
is fully able to resist. This power has been ‘Vak-a-shun’.
However, do not be downheaarted. The power of Vak-a-shun wanes after a short
time, and people return to their senses. Our comrades will soon be rejoining
us. Vak-a-shun very rarely claims its victims permanently.
This is a survey of the users of the Mordor Communications System.
Section I Personal Data.
1) What is your full name?
Section II Current status
1) What is your current address?
666 Barad-dur
Thank you.
Now, in the tradition of Peyton Place, General Hospital, Days
of Our Lives, and The Continuing Adventures of K--n-, we bring you
a show that will make you laugh, cry, and retch.
Kendall Blue causes the downfall of Western Civilization through his Junk Mail
system.
As the Stomach Turns will be coming soon to a terminal near you!
As our story opens, we see Julie Ocean, international spy, standing on a street
corner in the greater metropolitan area of K--n-. Her contact should be here
any moment...
And now for a word from our sponsor...
CUTICLE REMOVER AND FINGERNAIL STAPLER
And now back to our story...
Stay tuned next time, and see:
Kendall Blue as His Holiness, the Pope.
Due to a lack of interest, the Mordor Communications Network is proud to bring
you another installment of:
AS THE STOMACH TURNS PT II (Closed captioned for the hearing impaired)
As you’ll remember in our last story, we left with Ted Weaker ready to jump into a pool of hand lotion, and soften to death...
Meanwhile, Harmony Rain, noted Notary Public, is attending her father's Bar
Mitzvah. Suddenly, she notices a shadow figure standing in the back. Could it
be? Now for a word from our sponsor... Our drinks are renowned throughout the world for their healthfulness.
We take the old standards, Coke, Dr. Pepper, and Root Beer, and remove all the
harmful carbonation for a taste treat that can't be beat! Come now!”
And now, back to our story.
Tune in next time, and see Harrison Ford, Shelly Duvall and George Peppard as
Joan of Arc.
Copyright MCMLXXXV by the Mordor Communications Network
All rights deserved.
And now, in spite of increasing interference by the SPCA, The Mordor
Communications Network is proud to bring you:
AS THE STOMACH TURNS, Pr III (Closed captioned for the mentally impaired)
You remember, we closed our last story with Steve Chowder trying to escape from
prison by carving a bar of soap out of a gun.
As our story opens, we see Julie Ocean, international spy, standing on a street
corner in the greater metropolitan area of K--n-. Her contact should be here
any moment...
And now for a word from our sponsor...
Meanwhile, back at his trailer deep in the ghettos of K--n-, Wes Soops is doing
in particular...
Stay tuned next time, and see:
Dr. Roth as Ghengis Kahn.
Due to circumstances beyond our control, the Mordor Communications Network is
proud to bring you another installment of:
AS THE STOMACH TURNS PT IV (Closed captioned for the seeing impaired)
As you'll remember in our last story, we left with Linda Zinger
being held hostage by the K--n- Shriners...
Now for an important message.
This message brought to you as a public service by this terminal.
Meanwhile, on the highway, Chrissie Goings, secret agent extra ordinaire, is
following her quarry. The car she is following speeds up. She won't lose her
THIS time...
Tune in next tire, and see Sally Field as Ralph, the Wonder Dog.
Copyright MCMLXXXV by the Mordor Communications Network
Any resemblance of any character represented here to any person, living or
dead, is a crying shame.
AS THE STOMACH TURNS, Pt V
You remember, we closed our last story with Peter Meek registering for the Home
Correspondence Demolition Course, so he can surprise his mom and dad...
And now for a word from our sponsor... How many t has this happened to you? You are hoping for something, and your
superiors dash your hopes! Well, we here at the Black Hand Clearing House
sympathize with you. That’s why we developed and wrote the Terrorist’s
Handbook, a handy little guide for helping you release tensions in a healthy,
destructive matter. Terrorism is now an accepted way of life in over 80
countries worldwide, and we hope to bring this exciting new sport to YOUR
neighborhood!
You can read the handy tips on car bombing by Nabi Berry, head of a Shi’ite
Muslim Terrorist Group. Then you can read the advanced lessons by Quadaffi,
President for Life of Lybia. But first, you must read the exciting
Introduction by Konstatin Cherenko, Premier of the Union of Soviet Socialist
Republics.
Our book is only $14.95, or the equivalent in American Airlines tickets.
And now back to our story...
Stay tuned next time, and see:
Andrew P. Woolley as Rambo
Due to the increasing use of controlled substances in this country, the Mordor
Communications Network is proud to bring you another installment of:
AS THE STOMACH TURNS Pt VI As you’ll remember in our last story, we left with Jon Hairal fighting
desperately for his life against the Smurfs...
Now for an important message.
Meanwhile, on the highway, Chrissie Goings, secret agent extra ordinaire, is
following her quarry. She stomps on the accelerator. Her car speeds up to 65...
Tune in next time, and see Alan Kinter as Sir Lancelot...
I, Sauron, have spoken.
Copyright MCMLXXXV by the Mordor Communications Network
And now, in spite of protests by the Moral Majority, the Mordor Communications
Network is proud to bring you:
AS THE STOMACH TURNS, PT VII (Closed captioned for the reading impared)
You remember, we closed our last story with Roy Campbell fashioning home
nuclear devices for mass marketing...
And now for a public service message...
Meanwhile, back at his trailer deep in the ghettos of K--n-, Wes Soops is doing
nothing in particular...
Wes Soops, as he actually does something.
And now, the towering conclusion to:
AS THE STOMACH TURNS As you’ll remember in our last story, we left with Dr. David Lee Roth
desperately trying to reconstruct a fragmented sentence...
Excerpt from Sauron's History of the World:
325 B.C. The Chinese hire the Floonians to build a defense against the
depredations of the rampaging Mongols. Due to a slight grammatical error in
the blueprints, the Floonians construct the 8th wonder of the world, The Great
Mall of China.
On the Ides of March, Julius Caesar is stabbed to death in the Roman Senate.
Thus, the Julian Colander is created.
464 A.D. While Rome burns, Nero fiddles "You Light Up My Life".
1634 William Shakespear quits his life as a gigolo to become a poet. Goes from
bed to verse.
May 13, 1743 Mrs. Hale has a baby boy. The Doctor and her husband witness the
Birth of a Nathan.
June 13, 1745 Benjamin Franklin discovers electricity and
the Afro simultaneously.
July 3, 1765 Lewis and Clark discover the Mississippi.
July 8, 1765 Lewis and Clark discover the Mississippi.
July 13, 1765 Lewis and Clark discover the Mississippi.
July 15, 1765 Lewis and Clark discover they're lost.
Jan 12, 1782 George Washington, Father of our Country, is
hit with a record number of paternity suits.
July 12, 1822 Marie Antoinette quits while she's a head.
July 12, 1860 General Robert E. Lee proclaims "We can whip those damn Yankees
with cornstalks!" Unfortunately for him, the Yankees refuse to fight with
cornstalks.
Jan. 12 1894 Thomas Edison, believing in his saying that "Genius is 1%
inspiration and 99% perspiration", buys a sauna.
July 4, 1976 The Soviet Union becomes the first nation to put bovines into
space when they send 5 cows into orbit. Millions of Russians celebrate "The
herd shot 'round the world".
Aug. 25, 1985 The newly formed AIDS Hot-line is unable to handle the deluge of
phone-calls from hysterical former female contestants after Richard Dawson
comes out of the closet on national TV.
Aug 29, 1985 Student count at SAC drops 25%.
Aug 30, 1985 SAC Cafeteria serves lst real-meat entree.
Excerpt from Sauron's Book of Wisdom:
Time flies like the wind,
When in Rome, shoot Roman Candles.
A day without laughter is like a day without sunshine.
A penny saved isn't worth the trouble.
Early to bed, and early to rise, makes a man have no social life whatsoever.
The pun is mightier than the sword.
A bird in the hand can get messy.
3 out of 4 doctors leaves 1.
"Stop to smell the roses, but first, check for bees."
An optimist is one who tells you how wonderful life is when things are going
his way.
An optimist believes that this is the best of all possible worlds.
A pessimist fears that this is true.
A pessimist sees only the tunnel he is in.
The trouble with life is that you get the tests before you get the lessons.
So that his name would never be forgotten at SAC/SWAU, the Domestic Web Goddess
organized, and DA members funded most of, the Wes Stoops Memorial Scholarship
at the educational institute into whose fountain Wes respectfully deposited
Tidy-Bol every Halloween.
Return to Tribute to Wes
July 22, 1961 to April 5, 1996
Of Pete's name changing sprees?
How many times must I re-memorize
Your name, and how to spell it perfectly.
How many times shall I write to my friend?
And find out that his name is no more?
The answer, my friend, is spinning on the disk.
The answer is spinning on the disk.
but i don't even wanna die just yet.
there has to be an invisible sun.
gives its heat to everyone.
there has to be an invisible sun.
gives us hope when the whole day's done.
I shall not be deprived of gratification for my viscero-genic hungers of my
need-dispositions.
He motivates me to orient myself towards a non-social object
with affective significance.
He positions me in a non-decisional situation, He maximizes my adjustment.
Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive id impulses, I will
maintain contact with reality for my superego is dominant.
His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me.
He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts despite my Oedipal
problem and psychopathic compulsions.
He promotes my in-group identification.
My personality is totally integrated.
Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced as a direct function of time
And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and economically secure
forever.
By
Sauron, of Mordor
While I programmed, weak and weary,
On many a quaint and curious variant,
Of the sorting lore;
Suddenly, there came a beeping,
As of some cricket cheeping,
Loudly cheeping from above the ground.
Quoth the Esprit, “FILE NOT FOUND”.
“Me myself this off is pissing!
How can I have a file that’s missing
From the disk that goeth I round?"
Quoth the Esprit, “FILE NOT FOUND”.
And upon his desk I wept,
"Is my file from memory swept?
Has it gone to the Great Beyond?"
Quoth the Big Man, "Backup's gone".
In my chair I loudly plunked,
And sadly, sadly, sadly thunk,
"Maybe I should stick to War"
Quoth the Esprit, "NEVER MORE".
Re: Living Tax.
Galactic Gopher Invasion
Fahrenheit 2001
A Starship of Unicorns
Unicorns are People, Too
The Hunted Unicorn
Tales from the Galactic Enquirer
Quasar: The Pig from Space
Break Dancing Robot
Inverted Doorknobs
Ghandi with the Wind
Dragons of Dune
Dragon Riders of Dune
Riverdune
Hitchhiking Hobbits of Dune
Archbishop of Dune
101 Uses for a Dead Elf
Robot Dragons of Gor
Kamakazi Elves of Detroit
The Sword of Savannah
The Invisible Robot
Luncheons and Flagons
Revenge of the Household Appliances
Quest Against the Barbarian Wizard
(The Adventures of Samurai Hobbit, Pt II)
Meter Eaters
Nightfangs!
Conan the Dungeonmaster
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Smurfs
The Elongated Enchanter
The Boomerang of Boraes
The Integral Fleas
Battlefield Foundation Witch
The Wax in God’s Ears
The Sentient Pizza and Other Tales
Mountain of the Dwarven Cyborg
Godzilla Gets Heartburn
Introduction by Issac Asimov
So remember, buy now, and avoid the summer rush!
Raiders of the lost Extra-Terrestrial Shark
2001: My Favorite Year
Lone Wolf Yentil
Star Trek IV: In Search of Plot
Gooniebusters
Friday 13th Pt. VI: The Back Cover
Gone With the Trash
Friday 13th Pt. VII: The Dust Jacket
Second Blood
Bambi vs. Godzilla
Darth Vader in Doggyland
I retired to my libraries of arcane lore in the depths of Barad-dur to seek out
the answer. After long minutes of study, I stumbled across a half-remembered
legend, shrouded in the mists of time. The legend is thus:
Please answer the questions to the best of your abilities.
2) What is your age?
3) Height?
4) Eye color?
5) Birthday?
6) Please attach a photograph of yourself to this survey.
2) What sort of security systems do you have on your house?
3) Please trace an outline of your house key in the square provided.
4) Do you keep any valuables in your house?
5) If so, where?
6) Where do you bank?
7) How much do you have in your bank account?
8) What is your bank account number?
If you have any wealthy relatives, please feel free to send them a copy of this
survey. Send the answers to:
Mordor, Middle Earth
13666
Wonder productions
(A subsidiary of the Mordor Communications Network) is proud to bring you AS
THE STOMACH TURNS, a show about people doing ordinary things.
Watch as:
Nancy Pearez goes wild playing D&D, and hacks up the DM with a sword.
Julie Ocean defeats Mr. T in a stunning fight scene.
Wes Soops does nothing in particular.
Chrissie Goings, in a moment of extreme religious fervor, bursts into flame.
Donald Heinz launches a one-man vendetta against the K--n- B’nai Brith.
Stephen Gray joins the KKK.
Fay Gulfette goes berserk, and picks off innocent bystanders with a
high-powered rifle from on top of Heritage Hall.
Gale Gulfeta fends off Mafia hit men.
Meanwhile, at the World Headquarters of the Very Large Corporation
of America, Donald Heinz, head of the Department of Redundancy Department,
Division of Repetition Section, is at his desks. Suddenly, his phones ring...
Meanwhile, Fay Gulfette is driving. She notices a car behind her...
"Are you bothered by frequent meteor showers? Do you wake up to find that your
car has been pulverized by rocks from Outer Space? Well, we can’t do about
that. But we can rid you of dangerous cuticle growths. Yes, cuticle growths.
Were you aware that over 15 people die worldwide from cuticle growths each
decade? But NO MORE! Our handy cuticle remover rips those ugly, unsightly
cuticles out by the root. Buy today, and you also get this beautiful
fingernail stapler. Worry no more about fingernails that fall out lack of
cuticles. We've solved this problem! Just send $19.95 plus bribes and
handling to:
Meanwhile, back at his trailer deep in the ghettos of K--n-, Wes Soops is doing
nothing in particular...
666 NAZGUL DRIVE
BARAD-DUR, MORDOR
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, things are starting to pile up...
Peter Meek as the Klingon Empire.
Meanwhile Wes Soops is doing nothing in particular...
"Are you tired of eating the same old things over and over? Have you had your
fill of eggs, hamburgers, cereal and chicken? Does Soy Meat make you gag? Then
you need a refreshing change! Yes, you need to come to WILFRED’S BAR AND
GRILL! Where else can you have Cream of Ferret Soup? Where but at Wilfred’s
can you eat genuine Sole de la Nike? Come now, and be entertained by the
playful antics of cute flies, as they soar and buzz about your head.
Meanwhile, on the highway, Chrissie Goings, secret agent extra ordinaire, is
driving. She is following her quarry...
Meanwhile, deep in the slums of K--n-, unrest is building. The people are
seething, restless. The pressure is growing, getting ready to explode. The
leader of these hopeless ones is preparing to give his speech.The Crowd awaits
expectantly. Will he finally announce the Revolution?
Impatient, they begin to chant his name, a name that has stood for freedom and
courage to them for years. "Andre ... Andre ... Andre ..."
Meanwhile, at the World Headquarters of the Very Large Corporation
of America, Donald Heinz, head of the Department of Redundancy Department,
Division of Repetition Section, is answering his phones. "Hello?" a strangely
familiar voice on the other end says? Could it be? After all these years?
Meanwhile, Fay Gulfette notices that she is being followed. she decides to lose
him...
We here at the JAPPY Chocolate sympathize with you. We know how tired you get
of the same old snacks every day. That is why we have come up with something
new! We've taken that old favorite, caramel, and added a dimension to it,
coming up with JAPPY'S CARAMEL-COVERED ROACHES! Yes,
roaches! Not only are they cheap (we get our roaches free), but tasty, too.
Remember, Jappy’s Caramel-Covered Roaches. They're crun-chewy!
And now back to our story...
Meanwhile, Yvette Nurg, Mayor of K--n-, is planning on a trip to the Ghettos.
Her aide, worried about the unrest there, tells her, "But sir! The inhabitants
are revolting!” "I know," she replies, "but we need their votes anyway."
Dr. Sample as Quinn, the Eskimo.
Meanwhile, Harmony Rain, noted Notary Public, is at her father's Bar Mitzvah.
The Shadowy Figure at the back beckons to her...
Meanwhile Wes Soops is doing nothing in particular...
Hello. My name is D. Driver, and I'm from the National Council for Alcoholism.
We here at the NCA know all the problem you drunk drivers have to contend
with. We know what it's like to have Mad Mothers taking pot shots at you. We
know what it's like to have to clean remains off the fenders of your cars.
Don't worry, we care! And we're MAD! So, we have formed the Drunks Against
Mad Mothers society to help combat this growing menace to our freedom, and
livelihood. If you know of a Mad Mother, or suspect one of your loved ones of
being a Mad Mother, send them to us. Our free 5-day plan is guaranteed to cure
them, with the use of harmful drugs and stimulants. We care.
And now, back to our story.
Meanwhile, deep in the slums of K--n-, the leader of the Underground stands
before his loyal followers. Silence falls as he clears his throat, and
prepares his for what he must say. Andre Navidad, leader of the upcoming
revolution. Even now, the thought strikes him with awe. He remembers how it
all started. It was when he was a little child...
(Closed captioned for the dancing in pairs)
As our story opens, we see Julie Ocean, international spy, standing on a street
corner in the greater metropolitan area of K--n-. Her contact, Bill Seedy, is
standing across the street. He beckons to her, and then walks away. She
follows...
Meanwhile, at the World Headquarters of the Very Large Corporation of America,
Donald Heinz, head of the Department of Redundancy Department, Division of
Repetition Section, is talking on the phones. After all these
years! Who would think that his bosses would be calling him?
Meanwhile, Fay Gulfette, determined to lose her chaser, steps on the
accelerator. The speedometer reads 65...
"I'm sorry, Rob, but you didn't get the raise..."
Meanwhile, back at his trailer deep in the ghettos of K--n-, Wes Soops is doing
nothing in particular...
Meanwhile, Yvette Nurg, Mayor of K--n-, is planning on a trip to the Ghettos.
Her aide is briefing her on her speech. "Remember," he says, "Only 40% of
Japanese males have cataracts. The rest have
Rincolns and Continentals."
(Closed captioned for the peaches and pears)
Meanwhile, Harmony Rain, noted Notary Public, is leaving her father's
Bar Mitzvah. Strange how the Shadowy Figure stays Shadowy in the sunlight...
Meanwhile Wes Soops is doing nothing in particular...
Now, from the same people who brought you the gasoline-powered turtle-necked
sweater, the fur sink, and the nuclear-powered geiger counter, comes the one,
the only, SOLAR- HEADLIGHTS! You don't have to depend on your alternator
anymore. Now you can run your lamps directly from the source of all light, the
sun! Send for it now, while the rates are low!
We’re Beatrice...
And now, back to our story.
Meanwhile, deep in the slums of K--n-, Andre Navidad is reminiscing about his
childhood. He remembers his dad the barber, and his mom, meat cleaver in hand,
ready to “serve” the customers...
Any rebroadcast of this message is strictly inhibited.
As our story opens, we see Julie Ocean, international spy, is following her
contact, Bill Seedy. They seem to be heading for one of the lower-class
sections of town. They pass one of Mrs. Simpson’s workers, shooting cats for
today’s lunch...
Meanwhile, at the World Headquarters of the Very Large Corporation
of America, Donald Heinz, head of the Department of Redundancy Department,
Division of Repetition Section, is talking on the phones. Peter Meek, his
bosses, are talking. "We have something we want you to do...
Meanwhile, Fay Gulfette, determined to lose her chaser, steps on the
accellerator. The speedometer reads 95. She shifts frcm lst to 2nd...
As a celebration of our freedom, next week 99 red balloons will be set afloat
over the East German border. Come and see the fun!
And now back to our story...
Meanwhile, Yvette Nurg, Mayor of K--n-, is getting in her car, ready for her
trip. Her aide, Kendall Blue, watches as she gets into her car. He knows
about the unrest. He knows about the rebel leader, Andre. But he isn't
worried. She can't get hurt, because she isn’t going to get to her speech...
Stay tuned next time, and see:
(This serial is sold by weight, not by volume. Some settling may have occurred
during shipment.)
Meanwhile, Harmony Rain, noted Notary Public, after leaving the synagogue,
is following the Shadowy Figure through the streets of K--n-. He seems to be
leading her deeper into the dark ghettos of K--n-. Ahead of her, a crowd seems
to be gathering...
Meanwhile Wes Soops is doing nothing in particular...
Meanwhile, on the highway, Chrissie Goings, secret agent extra ordinaire, is
following her quarry. She is going at least 95. They enter the twisted streets
of the Ghettos of K--n-.
Meanwhile, deep in the slums of K--n-, Andre Navimom snaps out of his daydream.
He has important work at hand. He will announce the revolution. He starts to
speak...
And now for this important word from our sponsor...
GLEEP And now back to our story...
Julie Ocean, along with her contact, Bill Seedy, are heading the slums of
K--n-. “Why are we here?" she asks. "Wait, and see," Bill replies. Julie
sees a crowd up ahead...
Meanwhile, at the World Headquarters of the Very Large Corporation
of America, Donald Heinz, head of the Department of Redundancy Department,
Division of Repetition Section, is talking on the phones. Peter Meek, his
bosses, are talking. "We want you to disperse that crowd that is gathering
below on the front steps. They're starting to attract flies."
Meanwhile, Fay Gulfette, determined to lose her chaser, steps on the
accellerator. The speedometer reads 135. She shifts from 2nd to 3nd, as she
enters what is obviously a poorer neighborhood...
Meanwhile, Yvette Nurg, Mayor of K--n-, traveling through K--n-, trying to get
to her speech on time. Her aide/chauffer, Kendall Blue, is along for the ride.
"Can you hurry up?” she asks, “I’m going to be late!” "But, if I go arry
faster, I’ll get a ticket.” Kendall replies.
“Who’ss going to give the Mayor a ticket?" "Hmmm... You got a point there."
Kendall starts driving faster and faster, running red lights with gay abandon...
Meanwhile, Chrissie Goings, secret agent extra ordinaire, is catching up. At
last, the moment of victory is at hand! She will finally apprehend the infamous
K--n- jaywalker!!
Just then, a car runs a red light in front of them. All three cars atternpt to
swerve but only succeed in plunging into a crowd that is gathered in front of a
large building, killing everyone in it. Just before Fay's car slids to a stop,
it smashes into the sole pillar holding up the building. The Main Headquarters
of the Department of Redundancy Department slowly crumbles into dust.
Meanwhile, back at his trailer deep in the ghettos of K--n-, Wes Soops, bored
to tears, gets up and looks out the window. He sees, in the square across the
street, several dozen bodies, and the crumbled ruins of the skyscraper that
used to be there. He sighs. Another boring day in K--n- is coming to an end.
But fruit flies like bananas.
And a day without sunshine is like night.
An optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
A realist sees that the light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an
oncoming train.
The Domestic Web Goddess vainly attempted to get Dilbert creator Scott Adams to
contribute a tax-deductible $1 to the Wes Stoops Memorial Scholarship, just so
it would appear on the records that Scott Adams had made a donation. If your
name is Scott/Scot Adams or Scot/Scott Adam (Dilbert creator or not), or better
yet, Douglas Adams, would you please donate a tax-deductible $1? Wes would
love it! Contact Bev Mendenhall at
Southwestern Adventist University
.
Return to
the thistles