Are You a Burgoo Gourmand?

Burgoo: The biggest joke of all

If twenty or more of the following apply, you should seek professional help.


You might be a Burgoo Gourmand if...

  1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
  2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
  3. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
  4. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
  5. There is a stuffed opossum anywhere in your house.
  6. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
  7. Fewer than half of your cars run.
  8. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her butt.
  9. The primary color of your car is "bondo".
  10. You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
  11. Your family tree doesn't fork.
  12. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
  13. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
  14. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
  15. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
  16. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
  17. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
  18. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
  19. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
  20. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
  21. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
  22. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
  23. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
  24. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
  25. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
  26. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
  27. Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
  28. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
  29. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
  30. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
  31. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
  32. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
  33. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
  34. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
  35. You've ever been too drunk to fish.
  36. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
  37. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
  38. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
  39. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
  40. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
  41. Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
  42. You've ever financed a tattoo.
  43. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
  44. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
  45. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
  46. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  47. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
  48. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
  49. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
  50. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
  51. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
  52. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
  53. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
  54. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
  55. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
  56. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
  57. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
  58. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
  59. Redman sends you a Christmas card.
  60. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
  61. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
  62. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
  63. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
  64. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
  65. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
  66. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
  67. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
  68. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  69. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
  70. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
  71. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
  72. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
  73. You mow your lawn and find a car.
  74. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
  75. You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
  76. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
  77. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
  78. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
  79. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
  80. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
  81. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
  82. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
  83. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
  84. You've ever made change in the offering plate.
  85. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
  86. You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
  87. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
  88. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
  89. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
  90. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
  91. Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
  92. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
  93. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Beurau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
  94. You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
  95. Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
  96. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
  97. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
  98. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
  99. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
  100. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
  101. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
  102. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
  103. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
  104. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
  105. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'
  106. It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
  107. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
  108. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
  109. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
  110. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
  111. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
  112. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen
  113. Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco
  114. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
  115. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado,
  116. You fish in your above-ground pool.
  117. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
  118. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide.
  119. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
  120. You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
  121. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
  122. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
  123. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
  124. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
  125. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
  126. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).
  127. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
  128. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
  129. You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
  130. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
  131. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
  132. You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
  133. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
  134. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
  135. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
  136. Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
  137. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
  138. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
  139. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
  140. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".
  141. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.
  142. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".
  143. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
  144. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."
  145. Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".
  146. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
  147. You bring your dog to work with you.

Thanks fer noticin' me, but no matter...leave. "I'm telling you. People come and go in this Forest, and they say, 'It's only Eeyore, so it doesn't count.'" -- Eeyore, from The House at Pooh Corner