1. A burgoo gourmand broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
   Silence returned to the house, so the burgoo gourmand crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burgoo gourmand was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
   "Yes", said the parrot. The burgoo gourmand breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
   "Clarence," said the bird.
   "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burgoo gourmand. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
   "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller 'Jesus'."

2. A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant burgoo gourmands. They come up to the bar, order five jugs of corn squeezins' and ten tin cups, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are pulled, the cups are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
   Soon, three more burgoo gourmands arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more burgoo gourmands show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
   Finally, the tenth burgoo gourmand comes in with a picture under his arm. He lumbers over to the table, sits the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
   The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the burgoo gourmands, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
   The burgoo gourmand who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks burgoo gourmands is dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that there puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

3. Why do Burgoo Gourmands go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
   17 and under not admitted.

4. What do you get when you have 32 Burgoo Gourmands in the same room?
   A full set of teeth.

5. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to a Burgoo Gourmand compound?
   Everyone has the same DNA.

6. A new law was recently passed: when a Burgoo Gourmand couple gets a divorce, they're still brother and sister.

7. Two Burgoo Gourmands meet on the street; one is carrying a sack. One says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
   "Jus' some chickens."
   "If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
   "Shoot, ya guess right and I'll give you both of them."
   "OK. Ummmmm......, five?"

8. A Burgoo Gourmand came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
   "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
   "Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

9. The Burgoo Gourmand and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked. "No," he replied.
   A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?"
   "No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."

10. Did you hear that they outlawed "the wave" at the Burgoo Bowl?
    Two poor Burgoo Gourmands drowned at a game last year.
    
    
    
11. Did you hear about the skeleton they just found in an old building at Burgoo University?
    It was the 1938 hide and seek champion.
    
    
12. Did you hear about the Burgoo Gourmand who was tap dancing?
    He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
    
    
13. Why don't Burgoo Gourmands eat barbecue beans?
    Because they keep falling through the holes in the grill.
    
    
14. Why don't Burgoo Gourmands use 911 in an emergency?
    Because they can't find "eleven" on the phone dial.
    
    
15. How can you tell a Burgoo Gourmand is on location at a drilling rig?
    He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.
    
    
16. How many Burgoo Gourmands does it take to snack on an armadillo?
    Two. One to do the eating, and two to watch for cars.
    
    
17. Two Burgoo Gourmand builders were working on a house. One Burgoo Gourmand was on a ladder nailing. He'd reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. The other Burgoo Gourmand couldn't stand it any longer and yells up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?" The first Burgoo Gourmand explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!" The second Burgoo Gourmand got real excited and called him all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"
    
    
18. A Burgoo Gourmand decides to raise chickens. So, he goes to the feed store and buys some chicks. He takes the chicks home, and plants them with their heads sticking up. He waters them, but they die. He goes back to the feed store and tells the proprietor that he bought defective chicks, and gets another set. This time he plants them with their heads sticking down. He waters them, but they die. He then sends a letter to his Alma Mater, Burgoo U, describing the problem. They send a letter back asking for a soil sample.
    
    
19. Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at Burgoo U. The senior who knew the recipe graduated.
    
    
20. A Burgoo Gourmand happens across a BU professor who is staring intently into an aquarium. The Burgoo Gourmand, says, "Professor, what are you doing?" The professor answers, "I'm attempting mental telepathy with this fish. You see, if my mind is stronger than theirs, I can control their thoughts. Umm, why don't you try it!" The Burgoo Gourmand, certain of his ability to successfully control the fish, stares into the tank for a few seconds. Then, all of the sudden, his eyes start bugging and his mouth makes a little 'o' shape like he's pushing water through his gills.

21. A Burgoo Gourmand firing squad...
    ...stands in a circle

22. New Burgoo Gourmand navy has glass bottom boats...
    ...to see to the old Burgoo Gourmand navy.

23. Burgoo Gourmand loan shark lends out all his money...
    ...skips town.

24. Q. How do you sink a Burgoo Gourmand battleship?
    A. Put it in water.

25. Q: Have you seen the Burgoo Gourmand mine detector.
    A1: Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with your foot.
    A2: Start backing up and waving the detector in front of you.
    
    

26. Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident last night? A Burgoo Gourmand family on vacation lost all of their children. The pickup truck they were riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the bottom. The parents got out of the cab OK but all the kids in the back drowned...they couldn't get the tailgate open.

27. Q: How do you get a one-armed Burgoo Gourmand out of a tree?
    A: Wave to him.

28. Two Burgoo Gourmand hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.

29. These two Burgoo Gourmands rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"
    The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"
    The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow."
    The other guy says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"

30. A man is driving with a Burgoo Gourmand as his passenger, when he decides to pull over because he suspects that his turn signal may not be working. He asks the Burgoo Gourmand if he doesn't mind stepping out of the car to check the lights while he tests them. The Burgoo Gourmand steps out and stands in front of the car.
    The Texan turns on the turn signal and asks, "Is it working?"
    To which the Burgoo Gourmand responds, "Yes, it's working....No, it's not working....Yes, it's working....No, it's not working...."

31. Q: How do you tell which is the Groom at a Burgoo Gourmand wedding?
    A: He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.

32. Q: How do you stop a Burgoo Gourmand army on horseback?
    A: Turn off the carousel.

33. Q: What do you do if a Burgoo Gourmand throws a hand-grenade at you?
    A: Take the pin out and throw it back.

34. Two Burgoo Gourmand truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to an overpass. A sign says, "Clearance: 11"2'." So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that it's 11"6'. So the first Burgoo Gourmand looks at the second Burgoo Gourmand and says, "I don't see any cops around....let's go for it!"

35. Burgoo Air Lines flight 113 was descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the copilot, "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I`ve never seen one that short!"
    The copilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you`re right! That`s incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"
    "Well we better, were almost out of fuel."
    So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot`s hands were sweating, the copilot was praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking. "WHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain."That runway was SHORT!"
    "Yeah!" said the copilot, "and WIDE too!"

36. Hear what the Burgoo Gourmands did with all their gold medals? Went home and got them bronzed.

37. Did you hear about the new automatic Burgoo Gourmand parachutes?...
    ...They open on impact.

38. Q: Did you hear about the Burgoo Gourmand that locked his keys in his car?
    A: He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.

39. Q: Why did the two Burgoo Gourmands get married in a bathtub?
    A: They wanted a double ring ceremony.

40. Q: Why do the Burgoo Gourmand workers only get 10 minutes for lunch?
    A: Longer than that and it takes too long to retrain them.

Thanks fer noticin' me, but no matter...leave. "I'm telling you. People come and go in this Forest, and they say, 'It's only Eeyore, so it doesn't count.'" -- Eeyore, from The House at Pooh Corner